As we approach the inauguration and the Women’s March to follow, I’ve been thinking that PEOTUS would be in so much less trouble if only he’d listened to the most important woman in his life: his mom. I’m sure that she, an immigrant from Scotland who arrived in American with $50 and worked as a domestic maid, said to DJT many of the same things all mothers say to their children. Unfortunately, his mom is no longer here to impart her wisdom, so here’s a list of momisms I’d like to scold him with:
Keep your hands to yourself. Seriously, stop touching your sister. I mean it. You heard her say stop. No means No! What part of No don’t you understand?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I hope you don’t plan on kissing me with that mouth. You should wash your mouth out with soap, Donald J. Trump! I didn’t teach you to talk to people that way.
Treat people the way you want to be treated. Would you like it if people treated you that way? Apparently not, Mr. Smartypants. It’s fine when you demand Barack’s birth certificate, but God forbid anybody ask for your tax returns! I mean,come on, fair is fair. It’s your turn now–you don’t get to just take your ball and go home when you don’t like the way the game goes.
It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Or launches a nuke.
Respect your elders. John Lewis, in particular. And yes, Meryl Streep is 3 years younger than you, but she is certainly your superior when it comes to acting, so you need to give her the proper respect.
Careful, or your face will freeze that way.
Turn the phone off and go to sleep. You need at least 7 hours or you aren’t going to be able to put two sensible words together tomorrow. And seriously, that screen is becoming an addiction. And you’ve completely forgotten how to have polite conversation in real life, with all that social media you’re using.
I don’t like that crowd you’re running around with. Especially that Bannon and that Sessions. Why don’t you try being friends with some of the nicer, smarter children?
Personal responsibility, please. No, it is not CNN’s fault, or Buzzfeed’s fault, or anyone else’s fault that nasty things were said about you. If you’re going to be the most powerful man in the free world, you have to be prepared to take your lumps. I’m sure that if you didn’t do anything wrong, it’ll turn out just fine. But if you did make deals in Russia that put the nation’s security at risk, don’t you think it would be better to Tell the truth, and get it over with? I promise you your punishment will be so much worse if I find out you’ve been lying.
And if Vladimir told you to jump off a bridge, would you?